My Perfectly Imperfect Life

It's been a long while since I last blogged. Many people are assuming things about me, so I want to share with you what is going on in my life.  I miss my husband dearly. I love him and always will. I am mourning not only the loss of my spouse, but I am mourning my bestest best friend. He was the peanut butter to my jelly. I put on what is known as the 'Grief Mask". This mask shows everyone that I am doing OK, that I am happy again. Let me make something clear, I'm NOT OK 100% of the time, not even 50% of the time, but I put on a face, and fake it. My heart still hurts, 9 1/2 months later as it did on March 27, 2014. I stay busy with kids, animals, school, working on the foundation, Phi Beta Lambda and now Student Counsel to where I can't take a moment to remember that he will never come back. It kills me to see my children grieve and mourn. They are so young and innocent that they shouldn't have to endure this pain, but they do. It's not fair; but it...

We all have dreams. Some good. Some bad. Since my husband died a month ago, I have had only three dreams of him. The first one he vanished before I could touch him. The second he came to take my two older children to heaven with him; and the third, I saw a glimpse of heaven. OK, don't count me as crazy. I have only told two people about this, but now am sharing with you. I saw Josh, I didn't see him wearing pants, but he was wearing a white shirt. He said, "Baby, I'm OK. This is where I am". It was so bright and peaceful. Very vivid colors in everything. That's all I saw...that's the last dream I have had of Josh. Against what others may believe or teach, I know that I have been given signs and peaceful communications with Josh. I haven't audibly head him, but a dragon fly was at my back door a few days ago. He wouldn't leave. I picked him up, he flew to the window sill, I touched him and he just hung out for a bit. When I go to the cemetery, ...

. I have been told that I am strong. Let me tell you that the thing that keeps me strong is God, although I am super mad at him right now. I try my hardest to be logical and rational about this and not be mad, but I can't help it. I think on a conversation Josh and I had about two months ago. He said he didn't know what he'd do with out me, that I was the glue of our little family. I told him that I'd rather me lose him, than him lose me because I think I could handle it better. And, well, I didn't know that was part of the plan of God. I remember wondering why Josh had gotten sick so much and missed so much work. I now believe with all my heart it was a way for him to actually spend time with us. Out of the last two years, Josh has been sick and out of work seven months. Seven extra months we had to spend quality time. I wish I would have known that because I'd do whatever Josh wanted to do, whether it be go to a ball game (I don't like to sweat and I don...

Josh came walking in the front door of the house and took his boots off, "Hey Baby, will you make me some koolaid with ice please?" As I walked out of the bedroom and into the kitchen, he stopped me and said that everything will be ok. I went to hug him and he disappeared, I couldn't touch my husband! I woke up from this horrible dream. March 27, 2014 is a day in my life's history that will forever be notorious. It is the day my husband became my Guardian Angel. It is the day my children became fatherless and I became a 28 year old widow. I have felt heartache before, but nothing compared to this. In fact, in my own opinion, giving birth can't even compare to the pain I feel. I will never forget how I learned of my husband's death, and I will share that with you... I dropped Josh off at work about 6:45 AM, when he turned to wave bye as I was driving out of the parking lot, it was a weird feeling in my body, but I ignored it. I got home and got the kids rea...

Well hello my dear friends. I just realized it has been over two years since my last post, and those two years have been full of ups and downs. From the doctors finding malignant polyps in my husband's colon to a miscarriage, saying goodbye to my precious Harley, to welcoming a member number 3 to our family. They have been two long, but full years.  A lot has happened, both good and bad, but it's the situations and circumstances that we experience that help mold and form us into the humans we are. Experience is a great teacher. We learn if we are doing something correctly, or if we need to change our plan of action. As I reflect on the past two years of my life, I realize that I have made many mistakes, more than I can count. But I have learned that in the midst of those mistakes; I have learned how to not do things, or handle situations. I have learned that our children are a gift from God, and we are to take our job of teaching our children the gospel seriously. I have lear...

We are all given this opportunity to live life. We can either be intimidated by the hurdles that plague our journey-or we can accept them and deal with them, as they come along. I was at church a few years back and a pastor was speaking about the other end of the storm. Each storm we endure has one thing in common-it too will end. If you think of a storm that has come through, yes it is nasty outside, but when it passes there is sunshine and beauty. I am not saying you can't see or feel the effects of the storm, but the storm has passed. I am taking this thought with me: "This too shall pass". A very close person I know's husband who is in his late 20's is being tested for cancer. They have two children around my children's ages and I am thinking how can I be there for this friend? What would I do if I were in her situation? Well, I can't say for sure, however I would expect I would want encouragement from my peers and family-not sympathy. I would want to ...